The Cave
by omgzPadfoot
Summary: The Marauders were traveling though one of their favorite passageways. Now, most of you may think that some of the famous passageways collapsed by erosion, or bad luck, but little do you know that the real truth is much more entertaining.
1. Oops

**Chapter One: Trapped**

Okay. This fanfiction was written by Padfoot, Fluffy, and Dopey. :)

Anything you reconize belongs to Jo Rowling.

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The four friends known as the Marauders were traveling though one of their favorite passageways. Now, most of you may think that some of the famous passageways collapsed by erosion, or bad luck, but little do you know that the real truth is much more entertaining.

And then there was a crash. A crash so loud and terrifyingly terrible that it could only be caused by one thing. And you probably would back me up in my saying that it was—

"PETER!" Sirius, Remus, and James all yelled together, as rocks and dirt began to fly by them as the tunnel caved in.

It just so happens, that one of the four friends, Peter Pettigrew, or Wormtail, had been 'skipping' though one of the secret passageways under the school, causing the tunnel to cave in, leaving the four trapped.

Peter was fairly quiet, he was embarrassed. Not only had he been punished for his terrible talent in skipping but he had done something worthy of him muttering a small, "Oops…"

Nobody said anything.

But after a few minutes of this silence and realization of how they were trapped, some people began to get hysterias.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" Sirius screamed loudly, looking around as if he could find something with the answer to their problem lying on the floor of the cave.

"Erm… I dunno," Remus admitted quietly.

"What do you mean, 'You don't know?' You're the only one here with any sanity! You're not supposed to let us down! Oh no, we're ALL GOING TO DIE!" James was also beginning to get in the same hysterics that Sirius was in.

This unsettling thought did not suit Sirius. "NO! I'm too HANDSOME and YOUNG to DIE!" He yelled.

Peter just glared at Sirius in jealously because Sirius is so much more handsome than he is.

James seemed to be thinking along the same lines, as he remembered, "And I sill haven't gotten Lily to go out with me! I can't die!"

But Sirius remembered something else. Something much more… stupid. "Wait a second!" He announced loudly. "We can sustain ourselves by eating the dirt out of this passageway!"

"Err, actually…" Remus began smartly—but he was cut off by a stupid person agreeing to Sirius's equally stupid idea.

"That's a great idea, Padfoot!" commented James, who was running full speed at the rocks and dirt of the cave wall, his mouth wide open.

"No Prongs! Not that way!" Sirius corrected him. "We're _humans_, we can use _spoons_!" And he then pulled out about a dozen spoons out of his pocket.

"Good thinking!" James said as he grabbed a spoon.

"You guys, you can't EAT that—you'll get—." But Remus was again cut off from finishing his sentence.

"Moony's right! We can't eat this without salt!" James declared happily, and Sirius, smiling, pulled a salt shaker out of his pocket.

"Merlin's beard…" Remus muttered to himself, shaking his head sadly in spite of his friends' sanities.

"Where do you get all this stuff, Padfoot? Oh well!" James asked, getting himself ready to eat away the dirt and boulders that were blocking the passageway. Sirius just shrugged in reply.

"You know, I really regret skipping now," Peter said truthfully.

"Well, no offense," Remus said, "But you're the only one here to _skips._"

"I skip classes," James brought up. "Does that count?"

"No," answered Remus, "it's not the—."

"Well I think it should!" Sirius piped up. "I mean, they both are around the same lines of 'skipping'…"

"I don't understand!" sobbed Peter. "I just like to skip!"

"Take this spoon, Wormtail!" Sirius offered him a spoon, and Peter took it. "Dirt clears the mind!"

Peter just glared at the spoon. "So… hungry…" he mumbled, staring fixedly at the piece of silverware. "ARG!" And he ate the spoon in desperation. "NEED MORE!" And he ate all of the spoons that were in the cave.

Remus had sat himself down, and he mumbled to himself, "And now, we have all officially gone insane…"

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**You read it- You loved it- Now review it!**


	2. The Salted Raisin

Chapter 2… Anything you recognize from the Harry Potter series is owned by the wonderful JK Rowling. Things start to get crazy in this chapter. You've been warned. Muggles beware.

And, indeed the four _had_ officially gone insane. As the hours passed, they all realized more and more how doomed they were. Peter was depressed, and not to mention, starving, even after having feasting session on spoons. Remus was a bit quiet, not really understanding anything that had just happened in the past hour or so. James and Sirius were… well, James and Sirius. Except, James had gone suddenly quiet, which seemed to disturb the other inhabitants residing inside the cave.

Everybody then looked at James, because quiet was something James never did. James had his hand in his pocket, and was slowly drawing his hand back out, clamped around some object. Opening his hand very slowly, a number of gasps echoed around the cave. James had a raisin. Suddenly, with a mad cry, Peter lunged at James, tackling him to the floor.

James, struggling to get up, and brushing Peter away yelled, "Stop Peter! We will all share the raisin!"

"No!" Shouted Sirius in protest. "I've been sitting in this tunnel for at least 15 minuets. I have the best hair—I deserve the raisin!"

"But, I want the raisin!" Peter sobbed.

"Is it chocolate coated?" Remus asked as innocently as possible.

James gave Remus a sort of stare, before shaking his head and answering. "No. But… I did all the trouble sneaking the raisin out of the Greta Hall, I could have gotten caught, and I could have died. Plus, it made my pocket's sticky!" James looked extremely upset.

"Yeah, well, I snuck out the spoons and the salt shaker! I should get it!" Sirius remarked, folding his arms across his chest as if that was the end of this conversation.

James's face suddenly cracked into a smile, and his eyes lit up. "The salt shaker!" He shouted, as he grabbed the saltshaker from Sirius's pocket, and shakes it over the raisin enthusiastically.

Remus watched this ridiculous event, and pulled an odd sort of expression. "Sorry, I like chocolate raisins, not… salted ones."

Peter frowned at Remus in disgust. "You're such a picky eater!" He cried. "I deserve the raisin because…. I'm hungry!"

James, Sirius, and Remus raised an eyebrow at this comment, and stared at him for at least a minuet.

Peter turned red. "What!"

James shook his head. "Okay, master of the obvious, we're all hungry here. Plus, I have the best reason to live."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" snorted Sirius sarcastically.

James shook his head at his friend's ignorance. "Well, Lily, duh, I still haven't gotten her to go out with me yet! But maybe she's thinking of me… right now…"

-

Lily is in the Girls dorm, reading a book and thinking nothing at all of James.

"I MUST get out of here!" James shouted angrily at the thought of Lily 'just' thinking of him.

Sirius shook his head in pity." You're wasting too much time on one girl, Prongs. AHH! I just remembered! I have a date tonight! I MUST get out of here!"

Peter stares with envy at his friends and all their girlfriends.

Remus raised a brow, and shook his head sadly. "You're probably doing your 'girlfriends' a favor by not showing up… Probably giving them salted raisins for romantic treats and all…. And maybe a side order of dirt. " Remus seemed to be smiling ever so slightly at the two.

James's eyes shifted away from Remus and coughed. "Ur… no..."

Sirius blinked dramatically and fluffed his hair. "Hey, when I date a girl, they don't care what I give them, as long as they're there with me!"

James suddenly began to cough, the sound resembling a cat hacking up a hairball. Sirius shot him a glare. James finished coughing, after it sounded as if he had coughed up a lung, he apologized sarcastically, "Sorry, this cave makes me cough."

Sirius snorted, and gave James the cold shoulder. "You're just jealous."

Remus sighed. "Riiiight. I really wish I had my book."

Peter had such an expression on his face—jealousy mingled with extreme hunger. "I'm STILL hungry!"

"Then take their 'salted raisin' while they ramble on about how attractive they are!" Remus hissed, yet loud enough to speak over James and Sirius's arguing.

Peter nodded, and snuck up behind James—er—not so stealthily, and stuck his hand in James's pocket to get the raisin.

James stopped arguing and blinked; now looking at Peter. "You perverted freak!" he cried. "Why is your hand in my pocket?"

"Nasty Wormtail!" exclaimed Sirius. "I didn't know you were that way."

Peter hung his head sadly. "I just wanted the raisin…"

Remus shook his head as well, a bit frustrated and hungry as well. "You idiots! Why does everything have to be so perverted? Don't listen to them, Peter. Besides. The raisin was in 'James's' Pocket. Who knows what's growing in there?"

James looked highly offended, and stuck his nose in the air. "I'll have you know, I cleaned out all the fungus last Tuesday!"

"And 'I' helped!" Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"Yes, yes he did." Said James, nodding proudly.

"Can I just have the raisin?" Peter whined.

Sirius's eyes popped out, and his hair seemed to stand on end. "Have the raisin? HAVE THE RAISIN? That's the only food we HAVE! We could be stuck in here for weeks! Do you have ANY idea how important this raisin is to us?"

"Yes Sirius, I do know how important it is! And if I don't get it, I'll… I'll… I'll cry! I really will!"

"Oh, and you know how horrible THAT is…" Remus said sarcastically.

James shivered. "I know, I still have nightmares about it…"

Remus slapped his hand to his face. "Sarcasm is a foreign language to you?"

"No!" Sirius spoke up, his voice echoing in the small cave. "If you MUST know, I took sarcasm as a 2nd language over the summer!"

"…You what?"

"I'm going to cry!"

"What else is new? Hey! That was sarcastic! I'm a fast learner!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Okay, I'm crying!"

"SHUT UP!" A voice rang out and made the cave seem to tremble slightly. Remus's left eye was twitching slightly, and he was panting heavily. "JAMES! Stop—stop being sarcastic! Sirius, stop arguing—and Peter… Just—STOP!"

Remus with a swift motion grabbed the raisin from James, and drew a line in the soil of the cave.

"You two stay there." He said to James and Sirius. "And Peter and I will stay here. And—just, eat the stupid raisin Peter."

He then tossed the Raisin over his shoulder.

James, Sirius and Peter gasp and hold their breath as the raisin flies in slow motion.

James's voice was suddenly slow and deep. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooh!"

Peter suddenly leaped into the air slowly, and seemed to stop in midair, your point of view swirling around him dramatically—until things turn to normal, Peter crashes into Remus, and the raison lands a few feet away.

"Peter!" Remus said angrily as he stood up and stared to brush off his robes.

Peter started to sob. "WAAAAAAAH!"

"Shut the hell up, Peter!" James cursed. "I know what to do. We're going to play…."

Sirius starts a drum roll.

"Capture the raisin."

Everyone gasps.

Sirius grabs the raisin, and shouts, "James and I have the raisin first!"

Whining, Peter mumbled, "Why do 'you' get the raisin first?"

"Yeah, who made you the boss?" agreed Remus.

"I am the most handsome here. There for I get the raisin." Sirius said dreamily, batting his eyelashes.

"True…" Peter shrugged and said, as if it were elementary. Remus just rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"Well then, that's settled." Stated James.

"Now, turn around, and close your little eyes." Sirius said to the two.

Peter closed his eyes, and jumped. "AH! I'm scared of the dark…"

Both Sirius and James ignore him, and run around looking for hiding space. Suddenly, James stuffs the raisin in Sirius's pocket. "They're never gonna guess where it is."

Sirius snickered and nodded. "Okay, open your eyes, little ones!" Sirius called out.

Remus grumbled at Sirius's ignorance, and Peter sighed in relief he didn't have to stare into black anymore.

"Try and find it!" Sirius said cheerfully.

"AH! THE PRESSURE!" Peter screamed.

Remus blinked, walked up to Sirius, reached in his pocket, and pulled out the raisin.

"Damn, he's good…" muttered Sirius.

Remus rose an eyebrow, and then started to walk back to his side of the cave.

James whirled around, and with a burst of speed, tackled the retreating Remus. Remus yelled, and then let go of the raisin, to send it flying into the air, and into nothingness.

Sirius collapsed to his knees, and sobbed. "NO! Now we're REALLY gonna die!"

Remus kicked out with his right leg to get James to stop clinging to it. "We'll all die, someday."

Those words hung in the air eerily, and echoed at least 20 times until Sirius told the cave to shut up.

Peter, his voice hushed in awe, whispered. "Wow. Remus is a philosopher."

James, Peter, and Sirius bowed low, and chanted 'mighty philosopher' over and over.

Remus slapped his hand to his head once more. How long would this go on? Who knew? But Remus knew if he had to put up with another day of all three of his friends bowing down to him and calling him 'Mighty Philosopher', he might just die of insanity.


	3. Moony the Philosopher

Chapter Three: Moony, the All-Knowing Philosopher

So I decided to type up chapter three because Fluffy is far too lazy to. Yeah. I know. Short chapter. But, the next one will make up for it. I promise. X) We have some pretty wicked stuff planned. - Padfoot

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"Oh, Moony, how do know all these philosopher-like things?" Sirius asked Remus in a tone of asking an author how she thought up his/her ideas.

Remus had an answer to that, because we all know that he has an answer to everything because he is a philosopher. "It is obviously a gift that you do not possess," he said simply, "For I am Moony, the all knowing philosopher!"

"Well if you're so great, then tell me if Lily is thinking of me," said James doubtfully, sitting down on the earth.

"That's not what a philosopher do—." Remus shot back. But James cut him off, by standing up very abruptly and yelling, "JUST DO IT!"

"Okay, okay," he tired to play along.

In the Gryffindor Common Room Lily Evans is sitting in a corner talking to her friends about everything BUT James.

Remus shook his head sadly, and as James looked at him eagerly, he didn't really want to break the news to him. "You don't want to know."

"YES!" James punched the air triumphantly. "SHE'S THINKING OF ME!"

"And I'm a flobberworm," Peter mumbled sarcastically.

Sirius sat down, and James copied him. "As I said countless times before, you need to find yourself another girl, Prongs," Sirius confessed truthfully.

"No I don't!" James denied, "Besides, I think she's really starting to like me now."

Sirius groaned, "That's what you said last week, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, ever since first year and quite many times in-between."

Peter laughed, "Yes, how many times has she turned down your offers to go out with you?" He too sat down.

"Yes, surely you've been counting?" Remus snickered.

"Well you should already know, Moony, the almightily philosopher!" James yelled at him.

Remus muttered to himself, "I swear, the boy doesn't know the difference between a philosopher and a seer…"

"What was that—our almightily?" James rounded on Remus.

He quickly replied, "Nothing." And he went to sit down also, but in a corner, far away from the idiotic threesome.

James sighed in boredom. "Hey, Sirius, do you have anymore of those spoons?"

Sirius hung his head sadly. "NO! Because SOMEBODY ate them all!" He glared at Peter.

"I was hungry!" Peter said in his defense.

"You're _always_ hungry," James shot back.

"Am I James, or is it YOU who is always hungry?"

Sirius and James exchanged looks. "But—you were the one who ate all the spoons," said James fairly.

"Well I wasn't the one with the raisin in my pocket!" Peter yelled, getting angry over a pointless argument. "You probably had that in there to cure your 'always hungry' problem!"

"What?"

"Oh, don't you 'what' me. I know ALL about your secrets…" Peter said eerily.

Sirius screamed, "AHH! Now Peter is a philosopher! REMUS! Stop influencing Peter!"

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**You read it—You loved it—Now review it!**


	4. The Insanity is Just Beginning

**Chapter Four: The Insanity is Just Beginning **

Yeah. I admit it myself, the last chapter /was/ a bit dull. –cough- But it was just the follow-up for this one. Which is the follow-up for the next one, which… well, you get the point. Yes, and I know you all will absolutely LOVE this chapter. 'Tis one of our favorites. This one and the next one. xD Well, I won't waste anymore of your time by rambling on here like I normally do, so—happy reading! – Padfoot

And as a note: Walter, Wayne, William, and Winifred are totally AWESOME, and must be treated with respect. – Dopey, Fluffy, and Padfoot

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Remus was sitting in a corner far away from the other three, trying to ignore them, but it was no use. "Oh, _now _what did I do?" he asked no one, hearing his name used in blame from across the cave.

"Who are you talking to, Moony?" James asked him loudly, looking around wildly as if to see some other person in the cave sitting next to his friend. "Are you consulting with yourself?"

But Remus didn't see James, he only heard a voice talking to him—that he couldn't recognize for some reason. "Who was that?"

Peter knew better, "SHH!" he hushed them, "Philosophers can communicate with their inner selves, leave Remus be…"

He couldn't hear who said that either. "Who said that?" he yelled. "SHOW YOURSELF!"

"The spirits are upsetting him," admitted Peter quietly.

"Very," agreed Sirius.

"Who keeps talking?" Remus asked the cave at large, grabbing a rock and positioning himself as if he were to throw it. "I have a rock! I _will_ throw it!"

James stood up and snickered, "Nobody doubts you, Remus."

"YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!" Remus was then screaming.

Peter was confused, "What? What will we see?"

"Erm, I dunno. I never thought I'd be asked that," confessed Remus, dropping the rock, but he quickly picked it back up, "Now back to those voices…"

But Sirius was too quick for him, and blindly threw a rock in the cave. "I will not be reduced to a voice in someone's head!"

The rock hit Remus on the side of the head—hard. "OW!" he hollered in pain. "Who WAS that?"

James walked over and sat down next to Remus, wanting to be seen and heard in fear of getting hit with a rock. "Who else?" he questioned rhetorically, "It was probably—."

Remus was in shock. "W—Walter?" he interrupted.

"Moony… what?" James was surprised. Because there wasn't a Walter in the room, and heck, James didn't even know _anyone_ named Walter besides that one muggle neighbor that he had accidentally—nevermind.

"Walter! I haven't seen you in YEARS!" And when Remus leaned in to hug James (…Walter?), James scooted away awkwardly.

Sirius was realizing something terrible. Moony was acting like an idiot. That was _his_ job. "Please tell me he's talking to the spirits again," he whispered to Peter.

"I don't know," admitted the supposed philosopher Peter.

"Do you _ever_ know?" Sirius asked Peter, but he said nothing.

And as Remus was telling James about what he had been doing for the past two years and was asking him how someone called 'Wayne' was doing, James mumbled, "Erm… Sirius… help…"

So Sirius walked over to James and sat next to him. Remus was ecstatic. "Hey Wayne!" He greeted him. "How're you doing?"

Peter couldn't hold it in any longer. He giggled.

"SHUT UP, PETER!" James yelled in frustration, trying to be the smart one and figure out what was wrong with Remus Lupin.

"Now Walter," scolded Remus. "I thought your mother disapproved of such language!"

"Yeah _Walter,_" teased Sirius, elbowing James.

"Look who's talking _Wayne_," he muttered angrily back, elbowing Sirius much harder.

"Now boys, let's not fight," said Remus reproachfully, wagging his finger at them. "I'm making biscuits, and everyone knows that it's hard to fight when one is eating a biscuit."

"Oh, we're SO sorry!" apologized Sirius sarcastically.

"Good!" Confirmed the obviously insane Remus Lupin, "And I assume it's almost tea time. Now, where did I put that pot…?" He stood up and began whistling as he looked for the nonexistent teapot.

From the other side of the cave (which was only a few feet away), Peter whimpered hungrily, "I want a biscuit." For those spoons seemed ages ago.

Remus looked up and frowned at Peter. "William! Of course not! You're being punished, remember?"

It was James's turn to laugh, "Heh; William! Mind if I call you Will?" He and Sirius broke out in laughter.

"If that can get me a biscuit, then go right ahead," 'William' said quietly.

"NO!" Remus was outraged. "William, you are being punished, so absolutely NO biscuit for you—and your name is William, not WILL! AHH! You're all ruining my tea party!"

They all looked at Remus in surprise. Peter rushed over to Sirius and James and sat down, and everything was quiet for a few minutes. Then, as if nothing had happened, Remus went back on to whistling and looking for his beloved teapot.

"Sirius, I think that rock you hit him with made him insane…" James whispered to Sirius, careful not to let Remus hear, in fear of hearing another breakdown.

"Yeah well, how can we reverse it? You know how awful Moony's biscuits taste," scowled Sirius at the memory of Remus's cooking.

James thought, and thought, and thought. But the thing was, James was so bad at using his common sense that he got nowhere. "I dunno," he muttered.

Sirius did the same, but got different results "Oh! I know! Let's hit him with another rock!" And he bent down and picked up a rock, and aimed it at Remus's crazy skull.

"WHAT? You can't do that!" Peter objected. "I know he's crazy—but you can't just go damaging his brain even more!"

"You know what? Stay out of this, William!" James shot back, agreeing with Sirius.

"But look at him!"

They turned to look at Remus, who was whistling an unknown tune while looking under rocks for the teapot, that way they all could drink some tea and eat biscuits at the appropriate time.

"Yeah," Sirius said, sounding like he was agreeing. "I'd better hit him." And before Peter could say something in Remus's defense, Sirius threw the rock. The rock didn't hit Remus, however. Instead, it hit James, who got hit in the temple and then giggled weakly.

Peter glared, "Padfoot, you have the worst aim."

"Yeah, well if you're so great—then YOU try!"

"I will," and Peter bent over, picked up a rock, aimed, and threw the rock. He, also, had terrible aim—and instead of hitting Remus, his target, he hit Sirius somehow—who also giggled weakly when the rock made impact.

James looked over at Remus as if he couldn't believe that he was there. "WINIFRED!" He screamed happily and ran over to him.

Remus looked up. "Why, Walter, have you come over to help me find my teapot?" he asked nicely, "What a sweet little boy…" And he went right back to looking for the missing teapot.

"Erm," 'Walter' stammered, "no. I _hate_ tea."

He was flabbergasted, "Why, Walter? How can you hate tea?"

"Are those biscuits ready, Winifred?" inquired Sirius, walking over to the two of them from the other side of the cave.

Peter couldn't say anything. And if he did, he was sure it would sound more like that time when James put the engorgement charm on his tongue during Transfiguration Class, and Professor McGonagall had asked him—well, that wasn't important now. What was important was that—well, to get Moony not-crazy anymore.

"Because your biscuits are simply the _best_, and I can't wait to eat some," Sirius lied.

James groaned, "Wayne, you're such a suck up. You remember the last time we ate her biscuits. I about _died_."

Remus must not have been paying attention to 'Walter' and 'Wayne's' conversation, because just then, he, "FOUND THE TEAPOT!" and held up a teapot-sized rock.

"Hooray!" 'Wayne' cheered.

"Oh, how wonderful," scowled James sarcastically.

'Winifred' smiled, "Why yes! It is wonderful! I thought you loathed tea, Walter… tut, tut, tut, you should make up your mind.

"Yeah, Walter, you're giving us headaches," jeered Sirius. "Now everyone gather round! Winifred's tea and biscuits are ready!"

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**You read it—You loved it—Now review it!**


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